What I want so bad again

Finding someone that can make me happy is a daunting task. I have been asked why I need to have someone. Truth is I don’t. I just like it. I like the companionship. I like the fun movie nights, I like the nights out and looking across the bar and seeing that other person having a good time and smiling knowing that they are happy and being happy simply because they are too. I like the dinners out and in, the walks around town and on the beach hand-in-hand. I just like having someone nearby to hold when I need it or want it. Companionship is not that it’s a requirement that I need to fulfill, it’s just a comforting and pleasing thing to have. I really do enjoy the time when two souls are growing together and learning from each other. When it comes to relationships I tend to put my best foot forward and cast all worries to the wind and have faith that something will blossom. Some people aren’t like that. Some people have been hurt in the past, some people have just never been able to give themselves away like that. I am trying to understand that side of it, but it’s hard for me. When things feel right I like to go with it. I try and not hold back my true feelings in this area. Yeah I get hurt because of this, but oh well. At least I got to experience that level of satisfaction, no matter how brief.

Sometimes I have things that I do take for granted. I know I do. I need to fix this. I will try and work at it. Often I see potential in things that others apparently don’t think can be that big. It sucks because then I never get the chance to try it and see if it can be done. I’ll have to live without ever knowing what it could have been. It hurts. I don’t like it. But I have no control over that. It takes two to tango as they say.

I hope that someday soon I can find someone that puts that smile from yester-year on my face. I want it back so bad. Someone who, no matter how busy, can make time for me. I do whatever I can for my other halves in this sense; I hope that someday someone can do that for me too. I hope that I can find someone who is beautiful so that I can tell them that all the time, and maybe they’ll return the favor to make me feel good too (I know emo). I hope I can find someone with the drive to succeed and the organization to actually achieve it. Someone who is responsible and makes good logical decisions. Someone who can tell when I am stressed or having a bad day, or even ask how my day was for that matter, and offer some way to help or calm me, even if it’s just a hug and a kiss. I want the connection again. I want to have the closeness that we know what each other is thinking and can act on it without words. I want those welcome home and goodnight kisses. I want busy Saturdays doing anything outside of the house and lazy Sundays around the house. I want good communication so there are never mixed words and jumbled meanings. I just want to be happy.

I will do everything I can to make them smile as much as possible and be a positive, and supportive person in their life. Understanding the struggles of everyday life and showing them that they don’t have to go through them alone. They just have to ask and I am there for them and I will be standing right next to them holding their hand and offering all the security and comfort I can possibly provide. I want to give my all, everyday, like I always do and ultimately get hurt again. It’s a cycle that always happens and I know I am doomed to repeat it, but again I long for it after it is all said and done. I hope I can find it again, the outlook is bleak.