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My Damn Mind Gets The Best of Me Again...

The day is weird. I sit here now after planning on writing something on my drive to the office today. Then I make a decision to listen to some samples of my ex’s new record that came out on Tuesday. I knew there were some songs that were written during the good parts, the demise, and the post relationship fallout. And I am not going to lie. It makes me feel awkward. Of course not all of them are about me, I would be selfish to even assume that any are. But I know that girl better than anyone on the planet, even her family. Though I am a closed-in and a seemingly emotionless stone I still listen and learn people. I understand them better than most realize I do. Remember that I was with her through her most crucial transition from young girl to young woman in a world that makes people grow up faster than anyone should. At first it seemed like it was a slow transition, but in the industry everything can happen overnight. Literally. And it did. So now I listen to our memories that are forever captured on that plastic disc and will live on forever and that others now listen to and find some sort of common thread that makes them feel like they were/are just like we once were. This feeling and thought to me puts me in a weird frame of mind. Please read on and it will all make sense I promise.

Today as I drove to work I stumbled on a Keith Urban song called “Thank You” that he actually wrote about his battle with alcohol abuse and his wife, Nicole Kidman, supporting him and helping save him. This is what made me want to write this post today. There is a line in that song that goes:

“Now people say they'll stand beside you, they swear they'll never leave,
And when the rain started falling, you know it only fell on me,
And it was hard to keep believing in myself with so much pain and guilt and shame,
I couldn't even ask for help.”

This was a serendipitous experience when it happened because I believe that true love, I mean the real kind, is standing by someone at the lowest point in their life, when all else is destroyed, ruined, and fucked. The stability of your companion’s love for you is the only force left in your life and at least you can always count on that. Their love is unconditional since it’s true and pure and so deep in both your lives. However if you have ruined everything, and you turn to your lover and ask for that love and they can’t give it until you “get help” then you are left completely alone. You are in a dark room with no windows, no doors, and no light of love to lead you forward to where you need to go. Maybe that true love never existed at all. This is a scary thought to think when you have spent so much of your life with someone and assumed it was there the whole time. Will I ever have that? I thought I did. Twice actually. But as fate rears her ugly head, it turns out I did not. I have always been a firm believer in the “everything happens for a reason” motto since out of every crashed relationship I have had something wonderful has come out of it. But this time it seems a little different. I thought it was ringing true, but again fate choose to not have it work. I don’t know if it is the world trying to give me a reality check on my “oh well fuck it attitude” and telling me I need to start caring more instead of cruising through trusting fate to pull me where I need to be, or if it is simply bad luck.

I thought I was once living a life on constant holiday. Having a great job, an easy going girl, living in a city I have always dreamt of living, and being happier than I realized. Then I hit critical mass and collapsed under the weight of my own mind, which often gets the best of me. I always let this happen. The paranoia of things going too well which then makes me think things are not what they seem. Then I start to question my choices that led me to where I am, and even the place I actually am. I question the longevity of the situation I am in and if it is actually the right one for me and where I am supposed to be at. I hate feeling like I am spinning wheels and when things stay the same for a long time, no matter how well it’s going, that sneaking feeling creeps and makes me piss my pants. Then my mind wanders further to the cautionary land of, “what else could I be?” And that is where I crumble. I fucking wish I could just embrace how fortunate I am sometimes and ease my complicated thoughts and surrender to my true happiness I am experiencing instead of getting greedy and wanting more when I am already full. What is wrong with me? I want so bad to say that I am where I am now for a reason, but I don’t believe it now. I think I am where I am as a direct result of the bad and selfish choices I have made in the past year. I regret them. And I don’t like feeling like that. I have never felt like this before. Now I step back from my own body and watch myself with outstretched hands in that dark room reaching for ANYTHING to hold onto, anything that can give me some sort of comfort and peace of mind that will let me know I am in a familiar place. Even if the object is foreign, I can find some sort of familiarity in it, just enough to be comforted for a moment in my panic. But that feeling is fleeting. And soon, I will be right back to where I was. Alone. Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe it is not in my stars to live the life I thought I deserved and was on track to having. Maybe my mind will forever be my Achilles Heel. That would make sense; the thing I thought was most special about me turns out to be my weakest part and causes my whole existence to be destroyed.

I am damaged goods. A broken shell of a man wondering alone, and living on hope that one day it will all work out. However, that outlook is bleak.

Digging Deeper

It’s been a while since I have really posted a blog. For that I apologize. Things have been hectic and I have regrettably overlooked posting my feelings on paper and have chosen to try other avenues of distraction. I have come to the realization in recent days that a simple life with a simple girl is really not the path of life I am destined to live. I will forever forge a path of complexity and seek out a more complicated companion with a deeper set of values that can provide the intrigue and curiosity I subconsciously desire. We all say we want to live a simple life without complications that is easy gong and carefree, but is that really what we want? Those things sound glorious on paper but living a life to that degree can get boring and monotonous. Confrontation and diversity are the forces that drive people to become better and not settle in the end. Spending each day trying new things and learning through your differences in the course of an intricate relationship is how you truly recognize your full potential. Anything else would be settling. Shall you ever find yourself with someone who does not share your values or ideals you are destined for failure. For love cannot be a surface emotion. It must be deep down in your whole existence and echoed through your daily experiences together, constantly learning more about your partner and yourself and growing together each and everyday through each of your unique personalities. Someday I will find someone that will mirror my own complications and desire to live an exciting life filled with twists and turns that keep you wondering “what’s next” and stay fascinated by the multifaceted web we weave together and bask in the stimulation that will be us. Someday. Peace, love, and happiness sound wonderful and cliché to say, but are they really what we crave in our own lives. I know I crave different. Something more dense and interesting.

What I want so bad again

Finding someone that can make me happy is a daunting task. I have been asked why I need to have someone. Truth is I don’t. I just like it. I like the companionship. I like the fun movie nights, I like the nights out and looking across the bar and seeing that other person having a good time and smiling knowing that they are happy and being happy simply because they are too. I like the dinners out and in, the walks around town and on the beach hand-in-hand. I just like having someone nearby to hold when I need it or want it. Companionship is not that it’s a requirement that I need to fulfill, it’s just a comforting and pleasing thing to have. I really do enjoy the time when two souls are growing together and learning from each other. When it comes to relationships I tend to put my best foot forward and cast all worries to the wind and have faith that something will blossom. Some people aren’t like that. Some people have been hurt in the past, some people have just never been able to give themselves away like that. I am trying to understand that side of it, but it’s hard for me. When things feel right I like to go with it. I try and not hold back my true feelings in this area. Yeah I get hurt because of this, but oh well. At least I got to experience that level of satisfaction, no matter how brief.

Sometimes I have things that I do take for granted. I know I do. I need to fix this. I will try and work at it. Often I see potential in things that others apparently don’t think can be that big. It sucks because then I never get the chance to try it and see if it can be done. I’ll have to live without ever knowing what it could have been. It hurts. I don’t like it. But I have no control over that. It takes two to tango as they say.

I hope that someday soon I can find someone that puts that smile from yester-year on my face. I want it back so bad. Someone who, no matter how busy, can make time for me. I do whatever I can for my other halves in this sense; I hope that someday someone can do that for me too. I hope that I can find someone who is beautiful so that I can tell them that all the time, and maybe they’ll return the favor to make me feel good too (I know emo). I hope I can find someone with the drive to succeed and the organization to actually achieve it. Someone who is responsible and makes good logical decisions. Someone who can tell when I am stressed or having a bad day, or even ask how my day was for that matter, and offer some way to help or calm me, even if it’s just a hug and a kiss. I want the connection again. I want to have the closeness that we know what each other is thinking and can act on it without words. I want those welcome home and goodnight kisses. I want busy Saturdays doing anything outside of the house and lazy Sundays around the house. I want good communication so there are never mixed words and jumbled meanings. I just want to be happy.

I will do everything I can to make them smile as much as possible and be a positive, and supportive person in their life. Understanding the struggles of everyday life and showing them that they don’t have to go through them alone. They just have to ask and I am there for them and I will be standing right next to them holding their hand and offering all the security and comfort I can possibly provide. I want to give my all, everyday, like I always do and ultimately get hurt again. It’s a cycle that always happens and I know I am doomed to repeat it, but again I long for it after it is all said and done. I hope I can find it again, the outlook is bleak.

Long flights, hard nights

Right now I am sitting on a plane sailing 30,000 ft. in the air. Where am I headed? Back to LA for the last time. When I arrive I will be begin packing my things and begin to shuffle them into a Uhaul to make the 1,000 mile trek back to Oregon. I came to this city nearly 3 years ago. It’s a bittersweet feeling to be leaving. Part of me loves this city, part of me hates this city. Standing in Los Angeles I can’t help but feel inspired. Everything around you is moving and swirling in constant motion. People going here and accomplishing things. You feel a part of it, even if you’re not. It’s just the aura the city gives. Everyone is on the verge of something big, even if they aren’t trying. That’s also what kills me. I feel I was slipping into that cancer that eats the weak here. They get caught into the grove of who they know and what that gets them. No longer friends for the sake of being friends, now friends for the sake of advancement of myself. And that’s shitty. I’m over it. I’m going to clear my head and come back when I have re-focused.

So as I close this crazy chapter in my life, a chapter filled with wild adventure that took me all over the globe in a whirlwind of spontaneous trips, long nights, and famous places, I step back and look at all I did those past three years. I did a lot, but did I accomplish a lot? I feel I became more open minded to other cultures, countries, and people. However at the same time I slipped more into my narrow safety bubble of people I can tolerate and will let in and became more jaded to certain cultures and the excesses of the wealthy and not so powerful. I became more focused on me then ever before and have actually started to question the “I am the only person that will ever be there for me so only worry about making me happy” motto I have been living under the past 3 years. I have hurt people. People have hurt me. I think it’s time to invest a large part of myself again in someone and hope for the best. Faith is all we really ever have in anything anyway. So I’ll take the risk and bet it all on red. I’ve walked away from long-term investments for my own sanity and looking back, it was definitely for the best and left to do it all over again, I’d make the same choice. I re-aquatinted with an old lady friend from my past and a relationship that I am proud of has blossomed from that. Something about seeing a girl passionate about life and doing everything on her own to get exactly what she wants that makes me satisfied with the person she is. She is my breath of fresh air after years of LA atmosphere. Lately I have started to really pay attention to the fact that people change. Yes they do. Some for the better, and some for the worse. That’s the thing about being an organic living being; you adapt. How you adapt is always your choice. I am thinking right now; “will I always be this cold?” I don’t know if I can answer that. I have been hurt bad and have become a ghost of a man from it. I bottle emotion in the back of my throat and swallow it whole in a beer-bong of feelings that was gone before anyone realized it was even there. And it is definitely my Achilles heel. I have no emotion. I am stone. Cold, dark granite. I only get angry and defensive. I am that football team on the field rapidly switching defenders to react to what the offense is going to do even before it happens. I am impulsive and excessive in my actions. I line too many defenders on the line when it's a hail-mary and leave the back field undefended. Then when the long bomb comes I jumped the gun already and miss judged the play. Often resulting in me loosing the game. How’s that for a stretched analogy? The thing about me is that game after game, I keep making the same mistakes. Will I ever learn? I hope so. I look into the future and I see a positive horizon I am heading towards. I once thought that if I moved back it was all over. Now I get excited about what is coming next, even in small town Oregon. Staying true to the spontaneous and impulsive person I am, I am taking a plunge and risking it all to give my all for this new feeling that makes me smile. It’s definitely different than I have ever had, but I like that. Like discovering a new dish at your favorite restaurant, you get obsessed and start to order it again and again because you can’t get enough. I can’t get enough and I am moving next to the restaurant so I can order it every day.

Server FAIL

All pictures, all users, all views, all non-text content, theme = gone.

Starting to upload pictures again, it's going to take forever. I am NOT going to rebuild the "album reviews" thingy though. Took too long and I never used it.

UPDATE: About half the pictures are back now. Others coming soon...

Change. Again.

Time has come again in my life to make changes. I am at a crossroads in my life where it is crucial to surround my self with driven people to feed off of and get inspired by. People who have a clear goal in mind, know what they have to do to achieve it, and are taking the necessary steps to get there. I can’t deal with frustration and complaining at this point. Everything is so fragile and can break at the slightest fall. I can’t afford that. I am standing on the edge of doing something I have always wanted and dreamt of and any outside disturbances could diminish the momentum and cause it all to unravel. Failure is not an option. Only success.

It may mean taking a step back and letting certain things go, but that is the price of success. I am alone in this world, but that tends to be the way I thrive. Pleasing no one but myself. Selfishness you may call it, but I call it endurance. Nothing can grab me and bring me down in this moment. In this moment I am all there is, the brightest star in my sky.

Why saying "fuck so-and-so shop" is a waste of time

Dear all "skateboarders" that hate on other shops,

You're not helping your sport. You don't like a shop? Don't shop there. Period. Your power stops there in all reality. But when you say, "fuck that shop" (most likely because someone else told you, you should think that) you just sound like a moron. I know that small shops tell you to stay away from mall stores like they are some sort of virus among skateboarding, but the simple fact of the matter is that those "stupid" mall stores have done more for skateboarding than just about any independent shop ever since Zephyr in Dog Town. Those mall stores are the reason some shops even started and are still alive. Don't get me wrong, I love the indy shops. I love what they do, I love visiting them, I love talking to the kids there, and they are vital to the sport in every way, but so are the mall stores! Mall stores are where so many kids discover and obtain their first skateboard. Then as they grow older they migrate to the smaller shops. Kind of a skateboarder evolution. Basically, every time you let the ignorant words "fuck mall stores!" come out of your mouth I want you to go sit down, pull out a sheet of paper, and at the top of that paper write:

"What have I done for skateboarding today?"

Then I want you to list all the things you did today to help skateboarding grow. If you can't list at least 10 positive things each day, then STFU! Munition, and all other mall stores, have done more for a sport you "love" than you have. They organize comps, donate to parks, donate to other skate events, bring teams in for demos (which help get kids exposure!), and all sorts of other things indy stores just don't have the budget for but still get to reap the benefits of. Munition took a chance on our brand when we were new. They were the VERY first ones to buy our boards and stock them. They are the reason that you get to ride our amazing boards today, and for that they we are in debt to them, and they get our eternal love. Don't like it? Then don't ride our shit. It sounds stupid to not ride a brand of boards simply because it's sold in a shop somewhere in the world that you have no REAL grudge against other than some different shop told you they "suck." We're sold in lots of other shops go to them instead.

There is a political game that must be played too. One of our goals here at Ravage is to keep our existing accounts happy and the demand up. So for that very reason we do not sell to shops if they are too close to a pre-existing account. Every skate, shoe, and clothing company has that rule. There are, however, ways around it by using a distributor or diverter (illegal) and not selling directly to shops. Shops can only buy my goods direct. We want to know where our stuff is and the types of shops we're in. I don't sell shops that have an attitude problem, or talk shit about another shop for no real reason, straight up. Don't like it? Too bad. It's my company and I choose who I sell to and who I don't.

When I started skateboarding the sport was small. We were a community of people all doing the same thing and we had mad respect for each other. We wouldn't even know each other but a head nod was all it took to be accepted. Our team rider Lui says it best "I support skateboarding, not the other way around." For some reason the new breed of skateboarder only supports a shop or their locals and everything foreign and new is "stupid and trying to control them." Sounds foolish and close-minded to me. With a skatepark in every town there are tons of new skaters. And that isn't a bad thing. But any sort of community feel among this new breed of skater is gone. No longer can you roll up to a park with a bunch of anonymous people; they'll yell at you and tell you to get out of "their" park, even if your company donated money to get it built or you actually worked on it. They're probably too young to even remember when that park was built! The kids trash the parks and throw litter into the bowls and soda all over the street courses. Park etiquette is gone. No one seems to know when to drop in or who's turn it is anymore. It’s just one big cluster-fuck of people unwilling to budge from where they are standing. Snaking lines as if they have something to prove. On Friday I watched a group of "skaters" run an old man and his, I assume grandchildren, out of a park just because the kids didn't like that he was there. What the hell is that? I am kind of rambling, but I guess I just feel that all the haters have it all wrong. Mall stores aren't ruining skateboarding, disrespectful asshole kids are. They are their own disease. Sometimes I am ashamed of what it has become, but I love it too much to walk away.

For all the people coming looking for

For all the people being sent here to look at and read the Lexxi Paul Productions post, here it is:

Lexxi Post

Please read ALL of the post and it's comments before registering and leaving your own. Chances are you're wrong and I have already shown the proper answer to the only argument you have. Thanks for playing and best of luck to you in the future though! Feel free to read through the rest of the posts and learn still.

If you feel like I am too focused on business please read: Business As Usual a post from last year.

**Comments on this post are closed, please leave your comments on the post they are most suited for.

I've been trying stand-up comedy

So the past few weeks I've been trying my hand at doing stand-up comedy for fun. It's actually way more fun then I expected and I am going to keep trying it. So if you're in LA on Monday nights come to Cafe Muse on Santa Monica in Hollywood between 7:30 and 8:30 to catch me live! Until then here is a video from last week of me trying out some new punch lines:

Think you're too good to promote your show? Think you will just draw enough without telling anyone?

No matter what level of band you are, you are NEVER too good to promote yourself. You would be a fool if you thought that someone would take care of everything for you. Even if almost all of it was indeed taken care of there are still people that you could run into personally that don’t know about it and if you mentioned something to them they could come! You MUST use every resource available to get your show info out! You say no one uses MySpace anymore? Wrong, there are still some late adopters who do! You’ve never had anyone from MySpace come to a show before? Well how long ago was that? Maybe this is the time. Maybe you’ll be a featured artist and all of the sudden people will care! And if it’s not posted they’ll never know. What does it take all of 2 minutes to post it on there?

Are you Twittering about it at least once a day? You should be. Probably even twice a day with different wording each time. Is your Facebook profile so locked down private that people can’t even see it? If so then the event you posted that you thought was enough probably won’t be seen by anyone other than those you sent the invite too. Did you put it on Eventful or Lastfm? People use those services a lot ya’ know. How about good ol’ PureVolume. Forgot about them huh? Well lots of other people didn’t.

The point is that you have a responsibility to self promote your shit. How else are people going to know about it if you are a small band? How are the non-hip people going to know about it if you’re a large band? POST THAT SHIT EVERYWHERE! Graffiti the internets with your flyers! And, yes, get out there and hand out real deal paper flyers outside of similar shows! Organize a street team to do this for you or with you at lots of venues and put them on the guest list for free entry or give them a shout out during the set for helping you get the word out. You’re right, not everyone will come but a few might, and they’ll probably bring a friend. So even if three come and bring friends that’s now six people.

If you have too much pride or rely on other people too much no one will come. Not because they didn’t want to, but because they didn’t know.